I remember collecting the sand in my hand,

They tried hard to gush through my fingers.

It’s just like you learn to live life the hard way.

Living the best of moments but going through a memory loss.

Never do I complain about situations,

I do not like living life that way……

The days that go by, left a smile away

It’s only the future that I look forward to.

But that sand which gushes through the empty space,

Reminds me of you, of your presence

The truth that you do not exist.

And yet I smile about it

I remember letting the sand free,

I know I couldn’t hold it back… ever

Some things, some times, are better the way they are

Like my memory loss which doesn’t remind me of my pain.

Radha, a very sweet little kid who believed that she is the princess of her own tiny world. Radha’s mother ensured that she would shower all the possible love for her precious daughter who was blessed only with a mother’s pure blessings and could never know what a father’s presence in life means. However Radha never complained about anything missing. She always felt that God has been kind enough to let her mother act as a complete family to her. It is perhaps very rare in life that another human being can play the role of providing the warmth that sometimes a certain number of people cannot. Slowly as Radha grew she learnt that many of her friends were talking about their grandparents, the way their father loves them and the fights their siblings have with each other.
She once asked her mother, “Ma, are both of us sufficient to keep each other happy?”
Radha’s mother was in tears. She did not know how to answer to a very simple question which yet never had an appropriate answer in the universe. Radha’s mother repeated the question in her mind. She smiled gently and said, “Of course darling, I love you more than anything in this world. And you have been the best daughter ever. But I should also tell you a secret that you will learn when you grow up. Every girl who is born is always blessed with another form of love. It is the love of a man. He is like a prince in her life and will be forever. Just like your father was my prince. I will always love your father. Similarly, when you will become a big girl you will realize that a prince is waiting for you. And then you will understand a different meaning of life. Radha, of course was a little child and she seemed to amazingly fascinated by her mother’s story. In curiosity she asked her mother, “If papa was your prince then why did he leave you?” Radha’s mother answered in a controlled voice, “These are the rules of life, Radha. You do not get all what u want. I always wish your father would remain with me. But he left you with me so that I am never lonely. Accepting the truth of life and learning to move on is the best solution to all the problems in life.” Radha found it difficult to understand the words her mother muttered. She left quietly but somewhere all the words her mother told had been recorded in a deep dark thought form. She never repeated those words again but she always remembered them.
Radha grew up learning that she will definitely find the prince of her choice who would love her the way she wants. Who will teach her the meaning of life. Radha had just turned twenty five days back. She was always a happy child who did not have any complaints in life. Her mother who had struggled hard was hoping to see her child settled in life. Radha had known many of her friends dating boys and being referred of having a relationship. She always believed she would find her man to only show her the better side of life. Some one who would understand her. It was the last year of college and Radha enjoyed each and every bit of her campus life. She had made a good student of herself and had always aimed to always strive for the best. She passed college with a decent result and secured a good job in a leading advertising company. After working for almost a year she happened to bump into Arjun, one her friends in college. They started meeting often and even before Radha realized she was very fond of him. Arjun on the other hand had been a very unique personality. He always made it a point to greet Radha, to smile at her when she looked at him, to tell her that he likes her, to hold her hand sometimes-sometimes not. And yet there was something missing. Something that completes the letter i. That small little dot was missing. She tried to learn Arjun but she never could. Arjun had this tendency to hold back something. Something…. Which Radha never understood. She dared not accept the fact that she was in love with Arjun. She had made far too a huge world of fantasy to let reality seep in. Her prince would understand her. Sometimes we do not come across the fact that we are expecting a lot from life. It is not always in everyone’s destiny to live the best moments of life. But all what Radha wanted was a man’s love which she never experienced. Not from a father and not from a brother and now not from a lover. Radha’s mother on the other hand started looking out for a suitable groom so that she could get away with the responsibility of a mother. She did not want to hurt her mother by confronting about her feelings towards Arjun – which was in a way the most unique relationship she had. The world of the perfect prince shattered for Radha. She thought she could never get over Arjun and as a matter of fact she does not deserve a man’s life. She sat alone in a dark room remembering her mother’s words and this time repeating them “Accepting the truth of life and learning to move on is the best solution to all the problems in life” She started crying louder and louder. She did not wish to move on.
She got married after three months to the man her mother selected for her. Radha would wake up every morning pray to god and make tea for Nikhil – her husband. Nikhil would wake up smiling and blow kisses to Radha. She would blush and turn away. They both would leave for office together and meet up together late in the night for dinner. However in that span Nikhil would read out important news covered daily in the newspaper in the lunch break he would have because he knew how lazy Radha was to read the newspaper. He would keep writing messages on the mirror pasting small bits of “I love you” written
Just before Radha went for a shower in the morning. They had long conversations about life in general on Saturdays when both were at home. She lived her dream of a perfect relationship with the prince of her life. She experienced the love of a man who taught her the meaning of life. She was happy, smiling content with her life. She slept and prayed for the well being of her family – her mother, Nikhil and herself.. And she prayed for Arjun, hoping that he would be happy anywhere that he is. She remembered the words her mother told her when she was six. These are the rules of life. She had moved on and yet not able to leave certain things behind.

Cry for help

I awoke worried last night,

Remembering and trying to forget that horrifying sight.

The pain that pierced through my blood,

Puts the world to shame and the guilt deep down the mud.

I cry loud… for God to hear,

For him to help me against this abuse and notice my tears.

Days pass by.. I am twenty,

And I see my past printing.

The way it slapped my soul,

Every single moment that made me mourn.

I cried loud for God to hear,

But he forgot to notice my tears.

Oh devil.. for don’t abuse another child,

Show some faith and that your heart is kind.

I die every moment even today,

Why do I count mistakes for which I should not pay?

Give me justice my Lord,

Kill that Satan down your sword….

Alone, alone..

i am born, she loves me.
she remembers me, cares for me.

i laugh. i laugh, i laugh,
she is there for me.

i cry, i cry. i cry,
she is there for me.

i am born, she loves me.
she remembers me, cares for me.

i learn, i learn, i learn,
she is there for me.

i forget, i forget, i forget,
she is there for me.

i am born, she loves me.
she remembers me, cares for me.

i love, i love, i love,
she is there for me.

i hate, i hate, i hate,
she is there for me.

i am born, she loves me.
she remembers me, cares for me.

i speak, i speak, i speak,
she is there for me.

i am dumb, i am dumb, i am dumb,
she is there for me.

i am born, she loves me.
she remembers me, cares for me.

i see, i see, i see
she is there for me.

i am blind, i am blind, i am blind,
she is there for me.

i am born, she loves me.
she remembers me, cares for me.

i live, i live, i live,
she is there for me.

i die, i am dying, i am dead,
she left me.

i was born, she loved me,
she remembered me, cared for me forever......

Reactions that cannot ever be controlled,

Were lost all alone in my own thoughts.

Like a fool I waited all through to calm down,

Only to realize you never thought I was important.

I thought you were with me,

I thought my god was with me.

The mirror jus cracks up early in the night,

To flash this episode are just full of surprises.

Just when you think the mirror shows reality,

It lays down the curtain only to highlight your tears.

Again, I ran for help knocking the door,

I considered you as my god..

I try to light up the candle all over again,

To fill the emptiness within me through the light.

Its silent… silent enough to kill me,

And the moment just fades away,

I know you are not with me,

I am learning to live in the crowd lost all alone.

Destiny's child

Walking all alone through the roads,

With life questioning me every moment.

All I wished was happiness alone.

God said "that is not granted to anyone here"

Learning to deal with the difficulties today,

I have all my crones along.

All I wished was to be coupled forever.

God said "that is not granted to anyone here"

With a few steps ahead I found my associate,

I spent hours, days, and years realizing my sanctity.

All I wished was to be bestowed with this blessing,

God said "that is not granted to anyone here"

I wondered what am I offered with in life?

If I could leave immortal or die this moment?

I asked god my purpose in this birth

He replied "you have no purpose…

You only have to live life so that others can live along with you"

I have no reason to search for happiness,

No reason to search for sadness,

All I am, I know, a puppet in the hands of destiny's wind,

Living without a design, yet meaning a world to someone breathing alive...

cool to booze..

18 was the age that attracted me the most. Never for the stereotype reasons like you think it is.Somehow I never felt the legal importance. Maybe it was an eerie logic I set within myself that i m growing everyday. Therefore the day I turn to be an adult would not possibly create any difference with my thinking.
However how can i not mention that this two digit number of age gave me the admission to hit the clubs, party hard and to accept the 'canned heat' into my body.Yes, I can let the spirit feel gushing hard through my vocal bands. I am sure I could have a drink or two before attaining adulthood too. Although the satisfaction attained from the latter is not so justifying. Initially the hype created in my mind was just irresistible. I wanted to live the feeling where my mind has no control absolutely. Like they portray scenes in some Hindi movies, one's head seems to be spinning.What attracted me the most was individuals laughing absolutely without any reason. That's when they use the phrase 'i m high!'
I was way anxious to boast about feeling those three words.Seems to be a perfect example of a wannabe. Well. that is something i would never prefer to be called. Perhaps boozing in that era, for me, seemed to be much cooler than even being a wannabe. Perfect enough for the world to realize of how teenagers fall off track in search of being hip! I thought it was "cool to booze"
Opportunity seldom knocks and leaves. Wise of the lot catches up with such chances. And one fine evening during one of my friend's birthday all my eyes could notice were glasses filled with liquids that give all the kick required.
Yeah baby! Vodka is what they call them.Somehow the colorless transparent fluid attracted me a lot. I walked towards the bottle which seemed to have welcoming me. Instincts made it clear - 'its now or never' I could have it all today - the feeling, the fun, the kick. All that I had been waiting for. But there was this one doubt that ran across my mind, 'Is it only me who is acting so desperate about trying to try a drink or two?' On that note I am sure many of my wannabe friends too had it in their minds. Somethings are just better unsaid.Just when the dj got unplugged and started experimenting with various genres i quickly hogged away on those drinks.Well and the case had to be screwed sure enough! Did I even know or did somebody even bother telling me "dudette, vodka is never swallowed concentrated and should always be diluted." Hell, did i invite problems for myself? All i could now feel was my brain very well responding to the musical prodigy. Am i getting carried away? HUH! Three cheers to all my efforts! Yes, i have indeed reached another world.
Just then i heard a voice, quite blur, approaching me ,"Sweetie... Are you alright?" Swinging along I answered, "Yeah I am!" Well i wasn't! I always lie.Well the paradox just explains it well because if it is true what I said must be false. But human beings i tell you, never satisfied with what they have.'Should i have some more even when i am in such a condition where in i am not even walking straight but imitating a snake's trail. Gradually I realized I was uttering plain nonsense. Nobody really even bothered to pay attention to the crap i spelt out. Holly cows! Ultimately I did grab everybody's attention until I started weeping loud. Is this what i was looking forward to? Don't I have enough of to weep about otherwise?
YES! You can say it out loud. I did make a fool of myself. Embarrassing enough for me to run away.I swear on the holy book n solemnly declare I will keep away from such toxic liquids which make me weep. But today it's just a matter for my friends to pull my leg. Be 18 or 80.. rock n roll without booze! I am cool, smart, hep, sassy yet i don't smoke and booze!